Sober Intimacy

So I said I was going to be honest in my blogs from here on in so lets start with this biggie (no pun intended!)

Drunken f*ck and hungover sex I knew these two intimately.  My husband swore by the latter as a bona fide hangover cure.  Me not so much – the brewery breath didn’t really float my boat.

There was a time when I believed wholeheartedly that I couldn’t possibly have sex without a drink or more on board.  I felt that it loosened my inhibitions and relaxed me and was a necessary part of the whole seduction process – get me drunk and you’ll get me laid.  But the problem was that sometimes however much I wanted alcohol to get me in the mood it just didn’t.  A bit like those times when I wanted to get steaming drunk but no matter how much I drank I just couldn’t.

The other problem was that sometimes I was too zealous in my drinking and went completely overboard and I couldn’t tell you what it was like because I just couldn’t remember.  The ‘sweet spot’ of uninhibited enough but not plastered was a tricky one to achieve.

So sober sex was a big concern for me.  But just like everything else about sobriety the fear was so much worse in my head than the reality.  See in the same way that alcohol inebriated me from the neck upwards it also anaesthetised the rest of me.  I thought that drinking would make the experience more pleasurable just like I thought drinking would make any other time better.  My drinking friends and I used to joke that the success of a night out was judged by the amount of UBI’s (unidentified beer injuries) you had in the morning because you just didn’t feel anything at the time and the same was true of sex.  No sense no feeling if you get my drift.

Well I’m happy and delighted to report that in my experience sober intimacy is a million times better than anything that went before.  Sometimes the seduction has to start earlier in the day with notes or whispered suggestions.  Sometimes rather than a drink a long soak in the bath or a massage helps to set the mood but it has been vastly superior every single time.  And my other half reports the same for him too.

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for weeks and it was Belle’s anonymous sex booth blog a few days ago that felt like it finally gave me permission.  I hope I haven’t offended anyone with my candidness but if I have I’m going to blame Belle as she started it 😉 Day 83


6 thoughts on “Sober Intimacy

  1. Great post! I think it’s one of those topics that people avoid or gloss over, but is very important. I mean, the act itself is what it is, but the relationship to ourselves and to others is the big thing. We can’t get in the mood if we are too busy beating ourselves up about something or another, or avoiding things, or struggling in the romance dept. Sober sex is different, I will grant you that. There might have been days of reckless abandon, but we no longer need that. A deeper, truer connection with someone is much more fulfilling. To me, at least.

    Thanks for sharing – I am sure this will help a lot of folks 🙂


  2. Ha! This is soooo exactly my experience- with the same type of report from my beloved! He says he feels more loved because i feel more present to him- which makes sense! I’m so glad you made this necessary and relevant post- because I am SURE we are not the only ones who ever had concerns about “can I do sober sex?”- thanks so much for your honesty!!

  3. Thanks for talking about it! I have had problems, but I think it has more to do with breastfeeding my one-year old than anything else. I think eventually it will be much better. I definitely used alcohol as a crutch towards intimacy for many years. In fact, the amount of times I had sober sex was a pretty small number! Isn’t it great when our fears are worse than reality, though? 🙂

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