Usually alcohol was my disclaimer, as in, ‘oh but I was drunk’ or ‘oh but I was hungover’ like it excused all behaviours and explained it somehow. It allowed me to externalise many things that I did and said without me having to take responsibility or minimised and denied the experience of the associated feelings.
Now I have no alcohol and haven’t done so for 54 days. I can’t blame it for any feelings that I have which means I have to take responsibility for them which is something that I am not comfortable with. That’s why I drank ……..
So I have to own the high I felt yesterday at being published and the low I feel today post the event. It’s uncomfortable and something I want to stop from happening but I just have to sit with it in the knowledge that it will get easier day by day.